Valentine's Day. Other than New Year's it's always been one of my least favorite holidays...

those high school days, longing to be one of "those" girls-- joyfully prancing about with arms full of stuffed animals, balloons and flowers-- with stars in their eyes. Or those days of being coupled and waiting to be swept off my feet-- only to receive an autographed miniature tennis-playing Ron Lee clown figurine (because HE loved tennis and his MOM loved Ron Lee clowns). 

But now, as a single, widowed, "mature" and happy adult... I've finally come to love holidays like this. I use them as an occasion to treat MYSELF to something I really love and deserve.  So this year, I  looked forward to Valentine's Day as I shopped for just the right-- LITTLE (as a "mature" parent I wanted to prevent expectations for big gifts on Valentine's)-- gift for my daughter, and thought about something nice to treat myself to as well.  

"FINALLY," I proudly congratulated myself, "I'm mature and wise enough to find my own joy on days like these!" 

What I WASN'T expecting was:

1- my daughter's reaction to my "sweet little" gift to her: TEARS. (Because it wasn't an Encanto Lego set, which her cousin received as a birthday gift yesterday). 

2- the icky "off" feeling that I caught subtly creeping into the bottom of my stomach as I started my day. "WTF is this??!!"I thought. (After all, this was supposed to be the joyful, peaceful day that MATURE me had created for myself!) 

As I sat momentarily confused , I discovered that weird "off" feeling was actually a wave of grief and sadness. (Despite the fact that Trav's been gone for 5 years now, it still catches me unaware more often than you'd think.)

So despite my expectations of  the peaceful and joyful Valentine's Day that I KNEW my mature, wise self was creating today, here's what I learned:

1- Happiness is an inside job. I can't make my happiness contingent on my daughter/other people.  She has her own feelings and reactions to things, and I can't control them, nor do I want to make her feel guilty for having them (which I did--- oops!).* It's simply not fair to base MY Valentine's happiness on whether or not she loves her Valentine's gift. 

2- I can feel sad AND content, peaceful and even joyful. While seemingly opposites, these emotions aren't mutually exclusive. 

Some things that have helped me make peace with my sadness when it arises:

• Don't ignore it. When I notice that "off" feeling, I take a moment to feel it and figure out what's causing it. I sit with it until I can identify what feeling I'm having. Then I start noticing where I feel it in my body.  And I just let myself feel it until it's ready to pass.

• I'm kind to myself. I imagine holding myself, and giving myself a big hug, as I'd do for Emerie or Travis, or anyone else feeling what I was feeling. 

• I get outside when possible.

• I mediate or do yoga-- this is one of my favorites. It's just 5 minutes long, but always puts my soul at ease. (Thanks JoyfulNature for creating it!)

And oddly enough, in doing those things, I'm able to feel content and at peace WHILE I'm feeling sad. And then the sadness passes, and I get a brand new chance to find some joy. 

So happy Valentine's Day to you all! May you find peace and contentment as you slosh through your own bag of mixed emotions! Cheers to this crazy, ridiculous journey! 

*Note: I do realize there's a fine line between a reaction like this and becoming "spoiled." We will be having some talks about gratitude and graciousness, being aware of hurting others' feelings with our reactions. But also she's 5. Spewing unfiltered emotions is natural and quite frankly, refreshing (AND simultaneously frustrating as all hell-- hey, I'm "mature" but I'm also human! :).